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This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. In contrast to manual gearboxes, the input shaft is divided into two sections. And the Avantime; it's a sporty coupe, but only if you don't want a car that's sporty. Jeremy: It's almost like they had a styling suggestion box at the factory, they got millions of ideas and then said "I know! " So it's got triangles and curves and gills and the back window from a Ford Anglia and look at these lights. Jeremy: It's not the torquiest engine in the world, or the most economical, but God it's smooth. - to tell you to change gear at 9000 RPM 'cause it doesn't feel like it's running on anything as coarse and vulgar as petrol. James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. Jeremy: The Americans have used daisy cutters on these things, to no avail. [cuts to a parked caravan; voiceover] The Mistral GT... It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."Sanjeev: I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... so you could drive up the west end, have a few drinks, leave the car, wobble home best way you could, wake up in the morning, they've towed it home for you. Jeremy: As on conventional manual gearboxes, the transmission ratios are present on input and auxilliary shafts in the form of pairs of toothed wheels. The Mégane; a family car, but only if your family is The Osbournes. I was driving along, Ford Galaxy, magnolia leather, curry on the passenger seat. Anyway, if anyone here is interested, I've developed a special new car sticker that says BHUNA ON BOARD. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... With this [points to Gallardo], the Germans have done ze food. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Jeremy: I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... Jeremy: Used to live in Fulham right next to the car pound in London. Is there anyone here who has that first, tiny grasp of engineering? It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you. Jeremy: I could go very, very berserk at this point. James: This is a true story and I am ashamed of it. I saw the curry tip, I thought, "That's my dinner," I not only took my foot off the brake, I put it back on the throttle! That's what you get with that [points to Murciélago]; it's a German-Italian picnic where the Italians have done what they're good at and the Germans have done what they're good at.
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NOW."Jeremy: That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab.
Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell.
And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911? He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat? So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done? It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened? And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen... Jeremy: Now what I'd like to do at this point to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more is bolt the Stig into the Saab here and have him race a fighter jet round our track.
They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. "Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... Richard: Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. Found it like this."Jeremy: Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.
I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! " And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer? "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine! You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars.
You appeared in this, and this is my favorite bit, under "Famous Owners". I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour—just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours: £9 in there. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them. Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. Jeremy: [at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel. James: You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented. Richard: Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf! Or that depressing the clutch pedal would be a lot easier if I got a friend to help me.
I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... Jeremy: While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and Foo-Fighter Ferraris. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze. Jeremy: [voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?! Distinguishing features include their clothing, which used to belong to their parents, and their characteristic mating call of "Harrumph."Richard: This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. James: It never occurred to me, for example, that I'd need a hammer to change gear.