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SEATTLE—Despite not consuming a single alcoholic beverage throughout the entire event, local marketing associate Patrick Liepert is somehow managing to make a complete fool of himself at Precision Intermedia’s end-of-quarter party Friday, fellow employees confirmed.WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull.WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations.NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday.SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single.

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