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And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch. And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. Richie: [looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? Richie: Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. My main castles are scattered all over the place, you know, ‘cause I never know where I’m going to be… bloody fox hunts go on for ever these days, don’t you find? Start off in “Burke—shire”, end up in, ah, eh eh, Twat—shire! And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen! " did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola? Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. )Eddie: Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money?! I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position. [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]Richie: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! I could of been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!
Okay look, look look look look, forget that..don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by? As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out.
Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! Eddie: (to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire...
Eddie: Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb? if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet!
But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!
(to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling.
What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck..fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window.